Pigeonholing and cookie cutter kids

While growing up, I would say I had a pretty normal, average life.  We had a neighborhood with roads that were sort of paved.  We could ride our bikes, play in our grassy yard, and go wading in the river close by.  My sister and I got involved in gymnastics, and I eventually competed, but I never took it too seriously.  I was a good student and had a few friends.  I would have fallen right in the middle of the bell curve of normal.  When I observe my children, I am pretty sure my daughter will be in the same place as me on that bell curve.

My son is a different story.  He is creative and imaginative--he will turn anything into a character, even a nail and a screw in a workshop when he is supposed to be building something for Cub Scouts.  He is outspoken.  He is beyond stubborn most of the time.  He HAS to finish what he is doing.  He is not athletic although he can play at the park for hours with the right people.  He often gets lost in his own world and only focuses on what he wants to tell you, not what you are trying to tell him.  He can be overly sensitive to physical things, has little tolerance for pain and can shut down with too much noise--unless it is coming from him.  Some people would say he is immature for his age, both mentally and emotionally.  (And I am not talking academically--in this department, he is mostly ahead of the curve.)  People start questioning if there is something wrong with him.  Maybe he needs to see a professional.  Maybe he needs to be on medication.  Maybe he needs to be in school and in a special class.  Maybe he is being coddled.  Maybe he doesn't have enough rules or needs to do more work.

Maybe people need to stop thinking kids fit into a nice little cookie cutter mold.  There is a wide range of normal.  How dare we pigeonhole our kids and not allow them to be who they are?  We need to stop pushing them into a corner and instead give them space to spread their wings and discover who they were meant to be.  Maybe the life they are meant to live is nothing like we as adults think it should be.

Classrooms are designed to meet the needs of the majority, not the needs of every student.  My son will find much more success outside of the classroom than he ever will in it.  He would either be the talker or the daydreamer.  He would be the one who would miss recess but probably need it more than the rest of his class.  He would refuse to do homework...and classwork unless he was interested in it.  Oh the battles I used to have over writing 10 simple words or writing the answers to 5 basic math questions!  Now I get asked math questions, and he also answers them verbally all the time, and he asks how to spell words almost daily--which means he is writing or typing without me forcing him to...

I have discovered with my son that in order to get results, there has to be a relationship established.  And even then, you still have your hands full.  I think I'm his mother for a reason.  I'm at least as stubborn as he is.  But sometimes, I don't have the energy.  I want to just say "whatever."  And I often worry about leaving him with others because they won't know how to handle his behaviors without destroying any chance he will want to come back.  I have seen him come unglued with other adults, and I have been asked to intervene.  These were the kind and compassionate people. I did meet a second grade school teacher once who led his Mission Friends class at church.  She restored my hope.  She knew how to love him even when he was being impossible.  When people take him where he is at rather than where they think he should be, he eventually comes around and goes along for the ride...often wanting to take the lead.

The funny thing is my son is pretty much what I prayed for when I became pregnant.  He is not a doormat.  He is outspoken and outgoing.  He is not tough guy.  He loves family.  He loves his friends.  He loves his little sister who gets into all his stuff.  Kids with his character traits, when raised in a way that suits their personality, become great leaders and go on to do great things.  They know how to get what they want, and they don't give up easy.  We as parents just have to learn how to approach parenting differently than all the books and blogs say and be patient with their development.  They will get there, but as with everything else, it goes much smoother on their timetable than it does on what we think it should be.

T-Rex during a homeschool tour

So if I know my child will flourish with the right approach and environment, why should we assume other kids can't do the same?  Why do we have to box them in instead of playing to their strengths and then helping them build their weaknesses over time?  When are we going to accept that kids that are "different" do not necessarily have anything "wrong" with them?  Why would we want to take the easy way out and let them receive a label they do not need or deserve? 

What makes your child different from all the other kids?  What makes them unique?  What have you done as a parent to play on that strength and then slowly work on the weaknesses?