Patience makes the heart grow fonder. Really, its true. Think about the last time you became frustrated and did not remain calm. Think about all the feelings and emotions you had. All negative, right? Not a lot of love being felt in that moment, is there? Now, think of a time you chose to be patient and it paid off. It gave you a chance to slow down. It gave you a chance to focus. It gave you a chance to be in the current moment rather than the one coming up. It allowed you to possibly relish in the accomplishment of your child getting that shoe tied or zipping up that jacket. My biggest obstacle to patience is most often feeling rushed (or on a schedule) or when I am multitasking either in my head or physically.
So what happens when I stop and live in the moment? The world around me becomes a lot more peaceful. The world around me becomes a lot more manageable. And I get to love my kids a little bit more because they are not annoying or frustrating me. After all, we are a family, and right now, we have to be there for each other. And in ten years, I am still going to want to be seen as a safe haven, not as the mom who got mad about everything, and my kids are glad to be away from home.
So, being that I am often an impatient person, how do I transition into a patient person? Step by step, one day at a time. First, I have to limit my activities and make flowing plans that allow plenty of time for patience. I tend to get rigid in my plans. I also have to give my kids plenty of time to give me what I need from them. When the bedtime routine starts an hour early, it allows for flexibility and not feeling rushed. When we have to head out, getting the kids ready early allows me time to get everything else ready without worrying about them.
Understanding that my son has interests that I do not share, and they are just as valuable as my own interests, allows me to practice grace when he does not respond the first time. It means I change my approach that is more suited to the moment. I don't yell from the other room it is time to eat and expect immediate compliance. Instead, I head in there 5-10 minutes before dinner is ready and have a conversation with eye contact (and ask that the game or tv be paused if applicable) and say find a stopping point because dinner is almost ready. And then I am also prepared to remind him a few minutes later, before it is time to sit down.
Patience is also gentle reminders of responsibilities that have not been taken care of, realizing even adults often forget what they were going to do when they walk into a room. Should I really expect more from my child? Lowering expectations so they are more realistic with who our children are can make a really big difference. Giving them second and even third chances to come through means we understand how easy it is to get wrapped up in something else and forget. Don't we all do that at least sometimes?
I write these things here as lessons learned. I have not always been that way. I am still not that way all the time...truthfully, I have a long way to go. Baby steps. The greatest thing about a new day is every day I get to try and make it better than the day before. Even if the only difference is I take an extra couple of breaths in the heat of the moment...just enough to remember I want my home to feel safe and be a place of love...not tension and stress. After all, that is all it usually takes is a gentle reminder of where I want to be, and patience suddenly starts to fill up inside of me.
So how has being patient been a positive force in your home? How has it made a difference? What are your tricks to being a more patient person?
Monday, February 24, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Bullying and being kids
I think the New Zealand researchers are onto something. I recently read an article that talked about taking away the rules on the playground. Something quite dramatic happened. There was a drop in bullying and vandalism, and kids came back to class better able to concentrate. How is that possible? We remove the bubble wrap from around our kids, we let them run, climb, and explore, and they are safer? Hmmm.
When you start to think about it, it makes a lot of sense. When you crowd a bunch of mice into a small area, and they are not able to do anything, they begin to get aggressive. When you require energetic children to sit in their seats for long periods of time, they start kicking the chair in front of them, they start daydreaming, they start talking to or saying mean things to the kids next to them. When you have nothing to do but notice the weaker kids on the playground, you take advantage of your position and become a bully.
If kids were too busy playing, they would not have time for trouble. I remember growing up in middle school we played a game of wall-ball. If you got hit with the ball (the little blue racquetballs), it could really hurt, but kids would play it every day. And when you had the ball, you could certainly get back at those who got you. Yes, I got my paybacks. And we learned not to push it too far or someone would eventually push back or just not play anymore. It was also when skating was becoming more popular, and kids brought their boards to school and showed off and made ramps. They had tether balls, and basketball hoops, and kids played games. They also jumped rope and tried all kinds of tricks and games. In elementary school, I know we had at least one, maybe two short recesses plus an 45 minutes to an hour for lunch and recess. We ate as fast as we could in order to get to the swings first. We had swinging races, spun ourselves dizzy on the merry-go-round, and climbed the monkey bars every which way you could imagine. There were also open fields of grass where kids played tag, threw the footballs, kicked the soccer balls, and sometimes played baseball. We also played jump rope games. Sure, there were some kids that were "too cool" for all that fun, but they were a small handful, and they just stayed as far back in the field as possible stirring up their own trouble. I remember one girl broke her arm from the monkey bars. I don't remember anyone else getting hurt enough to go to the hospital. Not a bad trade-off for all the fun we had.
I won't deny I can be very protective of my kids. I get nervous every time we are apart because I get scared something will happen to me and they won't see me again or the other way around. I just don't want to imagine life without either one. but reading articles like this really help me let go, at least a little bit. I also worry they have not learned enough skills to properly defend themselves verbally or physically. It helps that right now we live in a more closed-off area (not a fenced back yard...much bigger) and there are neighbor kids, so my son gets to go out and explore with them. They watch out for each other, and I can let them play without feeling like I have to watch them all the time. It has been a real blessing. It is something we have not had anywhere we have lived thus far. And the best part is they are out getting exercise the fun way--just good old fashioned playing and exploring.
Will taking away the rules put an end to bullying? Probably not, but it will likely make a difference in the right direction. Will it help kids relieve stress, get their minds off of school work and just enjoy socializing? Definitely. Will it make them better prepared to return to the classroom? According the research, yes. I can't speak to what it is like in the schools across the country right now. I hear bits a pieces, but I homeschool. So share with me what recess is like at your schools...I really want to know it has not changed as much as I hear it has...but if it has, what do you think we should do about it? What should be different in your kid's schools and neighborhoods?
When you start to think about it, it makes a lot of sense. When you crowd a bunch of mice into a small area, and they are not able to do anything, they begin to get aggressive. When you require energetic children to sit in their seats for long periods of time, they start kicking the chair in front of them, they start daydreaming, they start talking to or saying mean things to the kids next to them. When you have nothing to do but notice the weaker kids on the playground, you take advantage of your position and become a bully.
If kids were too busy playing, they would not have time for trouble. I remember growing up in middle school we played a game of wall-ball. If you got hit with the ball (the little blue racquetballs), it could really hurt, but kids would play it every day. And when you had the ball, you could certainly get back at those who got you. Yes, I got my paybacks. And we learned not to push it too far or someone would eventually push back or just not play anymore. It was also when skating was becoming more popular, and kids brought their boards to school and showed off and made ramps. They had tether balls, and basketball hoops, and kids played games. They also jumped rope and tried all kinds of tricks and games. In elementary school, I know we had at least one, maybe two short recesses plus an 45 minutes to an hour for lunch and recess. We ate as fast as we could in order to get to the swings first. We had swinging races, spun ourselves dizzy on the merry-go-round, and climbed the monkey bars every which way you could imagine. There were also open fields of grass where kids played tag, threw the footballs, kicked the soccer balls, and sometimes played baseball. We also played jump rope games. Sure, there were some kids that were "too cool" for all that fun, but they were a small handful, and they just stayed as far back in the field as possible stirring up their own trouble. I remember one girl broke her arm from the monkey bars. I don't remember anyone else getting hurt enough to go to the hospital. Not a bad trade-off for all the fun we had.
I won't deny I can be very protective of my kids. I get nervous every time we are apart because I get scared something will happen to me and they won't see me again or the other way around. I just don't want to imagine life without either one. but reading articles like this really help me let go, at least a little bit. I also worry they have not learned enough skills to properly defend themselves verbally or physically. It helps that right now we live in a more closed-off area (not a fenced back yard...much bigger) and there are neighbor kids, so my son gets to go out and explore with them. They watch out for each other, and I can let them play without feeling like I have to watch them all the time. It has been a real blessing. It is something we have not had anywhere we have lived thus far. And the best part is they are out getting exercise the fun way--just good old fashioned playing and exploring.
Will taking away the rules put an end to bullying? Probably not, but it will likely make a difference in the right direction. Will it help kids relieve stress, get their minds off of school work and just enjoy socializing? Definitely. Will it make them better prepared to return to the classroom? According the research, yes. I can't speak to what it is like in the schools across the country right now. I hear bits a pieces, but I homeschool. So share with me what recess is like at your schools...I really want to know it has not changed as much as I hear it has...but if it has, what do you think we should do about it? What should be different in your kid's schools and neighborhoods?
Friday, February 14, 2014
I don't think I can stand the sight of another piece of candy or cake...
Ok, so it is the time of year where Valentine's Day, my birthday and my son's birthday fall. Candy and cake everywhere I turn! Knowing I will be asked for sweets day in and day out, and knowing I have a strong sweet tooth, I want to throw it all out...but then I would feel guilty. I guess I will have to find a way to make it last until Easter. In the meantime, I want to share with you one of my favorite healthy breakfast recipes the will help offset some of the junk....
I have adapted this recipe from the original found here.
1 1/2 cups Prairie Gold 100% White Whole Wheat Flour
First, preheat your oven to 400°F. Spray a 12 muffin pan. Combine flour, sugar, oatmeal, baking powder, and salt in medium bowl; whisk to blend.
While there are other ways to do this, I get my blender and blend bananas, milk, egg, oil, vanilla, and lemon juice. Then I pour it into the dry ingredients. I mix just enough and then add blueberries. Finally, I put the batter in the muffin tin and bake about 20 minutes. After that, they go onto a cooling rack...I don't wait for them to cool. Instead I throw the health factor out the window by cutting a few open and adding a dab of butter. My son LOVES these, and my daughter is coming around. (She doesn't like much of anything except candy and cake, so that is saying a lot!)
I have adapted this recipe from the original found here.
Healthy Blueberry and Banana Muffins
1 1/2 cups Prairie Gold 100% White Whole Wheat Flour
1/2 cup sugar (I am not quite ready to try cutting this out yet...)
1/4 cup oatmeal
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
2 larger bananas
1/2 cup 1% milk
1 large egg
2 tbsp vegetable oil
2 tsp fresh lemon juice (when I have it)
1 1/2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries (this is what makes then sooo good! every bite has blueberries)
First, preheat your oven to 400°F. Spray a 12 muffin pan. Combine flour, sugar, oatmeal, baking powder, and salt in medium bowl; whisk to blend.
While there are other ways to do this, I get my blender and blend bananas, milk, egg, oil, vanilla, and lemon juice. Then I pour it into the dry ingredients. I mix just enough and then add blueberries. Finally, I put the batter in the muffin tin and bake about 20 minutes. After that, they go onto a cooling rack...I don't wait for them to cool. Instead I throw the health factor out the window by cutting a few open and adding a dab of butter. My son LOVES these, and my daughter is coming around. (She doesn't like much of anything except candy and cake, so that is saying a lot!)
So what are some of your favorite foods to offset the times you are on sugar overload?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
It's tough to parent gently...but I try to anyway.
I have to credit my husband with a very important lesson he has taught me about parenting. The relationship you have is what is most important. Punishment is not always the answer. As a parent, I have read a lot of articles and books about parenting over the years. I would become so conflicted about all the advice out there. Should I spank? Should I use time-outs? Should I take away privileges? Is grounding necessary? How can I parent without punishment? How should I punish my kids? How can I correct behavior problems? How can I reward and encourage good behavior? What kind of limits should I set?
Over the last year, while researching unschooling, I have become familiar with the idea of gentle parenting. Several things I read resonated with what I also read in Raising Your Spirited Child. Many unschoolers and other parents follow gentle parenting principles. And it sounds absolutely like the type of parent I want to be. It can take a lot of patience, which I don't usually have. It takes not getting upset when things go wrong, which I am not good at. It certainly isn't easy, and it certainly isn't permissive parenting.
Gentle parenting is about seeking solutions and common ground. It is about developing mutual respect. It is about recognizing the needs of your kids before they can even voice them. It is about treating kids like you would an adult, sort of. Now I know this part is what often gets people riled up. Whether it is because parents have been there and done that, or they have earned the right to boss their kids around, or they believe kids have their place and should respect their elders, putting kids on equal ground is hard to swallow. Parents may think this means kids have as much power as adults, which will lead to being spoiled or non-submissive or disrespectful. It is easy to see why people would believe this when we have been raised a certain way.
So here is the truth about gentle parenting. I have to make time to be a parent. Of course it is easier to obtain immediate compliance by yelling, spanking, grounding, or restricting. With some children, punishment can be quite effective. It can curb future misbehaviors. It was effective with me. I have also heard, though, that kids that respond well to punishment probably could have responded even better to a less punitive approach because of the desire to please or fear of disappointing. Punishment does not work well with a strong-willed child. Sure, I can (sometimes) get immediate results but they last all of an hour. And I am not sure our relationship is better because of it.
When everything I read and try just does not seem to work, I have to consider other approaches. I have to consider that maybe I am the problem, and that my child is still just growing and learning self-control and how to manage strong emotions and sensitivities he has to the world around him. I have to dig deep and have patience and maintain my composure. I have to change my shortcomings in order to create a home environment that is more cooperative and peaceful. I tend to get very short fused when I get stressed or overwhelmed. I have also been known to lecture to drive home a point.
There is nothing easy about the gentle parenting approach. It makes me the responsible adult and requires me to take my son (and daughter) where he is at and parent to his needs rather than my desired outcomes. Gentle parenting is about respecting a child because that child is a person. It is about guiding children and helping them learn, over time, how to make good decisions and treat others kindly, thoughtfully and with respect. It is about allowing mistakes and typical childhood immaturity, like accidentally knocking over a drink because of an animated story they were sharing.
When it comes down to it, I just want to figure out a way where we can cooperate and grow together as a family. I want to encourage and be a partner. I want to value his opinion. I want to value his feelings and acknowledge his fears as legitimate no matter how silly they may seem to me. I want him to truly respect me as a person, not simply because I am an adult. Otherwise, the idea of respect is a facade and will not necessarily become internalized. I want him to trust me as an adult because I have shown to be trustworthy. I don't really want blind compliance and obedience (although everyone in awhile it would be nice!). I want him to understand how the world really works. There are good reasons for the decisions I make, not just arbitrary rules because some expert thought it was what should be done.
I am grateful, no matter how hard it is at times, that my son has the personality he has. It has pushed me to strive to be a better parent, not just settle for what so many experts believe or throw my hands up in the air and give up. At seven, he still has a lot of time to learn life's lessons and the ways of the world (at least how to work with others--not sure how I feel about many of the ways of the world). He does not have to be perfect at his age, he just has to show progress (as slow as it may seem at times) in the right direction. And as an adult, he can look back in appreciation and be able to raise his own kids in a similar way from the start, rather than 6-7 years into the process.
There are some practices of gentle parenting that I have used for awhile, but I fall short in several points. I am a work in progress. In future blogs, I will share with you my successful transitions into a gentle parenting approach, and some of the setbacks I am bound to have.
What would you change about your parenting approaches? What have been your eye-opening experiences that have led to changes you have made?
Over the last year, while researching unschooling, I have become familiar with the idea of gentle parenting. Several things I read resonated with what I also read in Raising Your Spirited Child. Many unschoolers and other parents follow gentle parenting principles. And it sounds absolutely like the type of parent I want to be. It can take a lot of patience, which I don't usually have. It takes not getting upset when things go wrong, which I am not good at. It certainly isn't easy, and it certainly isn't permissive parenting.
Gentle parenting is about seeking solutions and common ground. It is about developing mutual respect. It is about recognizing the needs of your kids before they can even voice them. It is about treating kids like you would an adult, sort of. Now I know this part is what often gets people riled up. Whether it is because parents have been there and done that, or they have earned the right to boss their kids around, or they believe kids have their place and should respect their elders, putting kids on equal ground is hard to swallow. Parents may think this means kids have as much power as adults, which will lead to being spoiled or non-submissive or disrespectful. It is easy to see why people would believe this when we have been raised a certain way.
So here is the truth about gentle parenting. I have to make time to be a parent. Of course it is easier to obtain immediate compliance by yelling, spanking, grounding, or restricting. With some children, punishment can be quite effective. It can curb future misbehaviors. It was effective with me. I have also heard, though, that kids that respond well to punishment probably could have responded even better to a less punitive approach because of the desire to please or fear of disappointing. Punishment does not work well with a strong-willed child. Sure, I can (sometimes) get immediate results but they last all of an hour. And I am not sure our relationship is better because of it.
When everything I read and try just does not seem to work, I have to consider other approaches. I have to consider that maybe I am the problem, and that my child is still just growing and learning self-control and how to manage strong emotions and sensitivities he has to the world around him. I have to dig deep and have patience and maintain my composure. I have to change my shortcomings in order to create a home environment that is more cooperative and peaceful. I tend to get very short fused when I get stressed or overwhelmed. I have also been known to lecture to drive home a point.
There is nothing easy about the gentle parenting approach. It makes me the responsible adult and requires me to take my son (and daughter) where he is at and parent to his needs rather than my desired outcomes. Gentle parenting is about respecting a child because that child is a person. It is about guiding children and helping them learn, over time, how to make good decisions and treat others kindly, thoughtfully and with respect. It is about allowing mistakes and typical childhood immaturity, like accidentally knocking over a drink because of an animated story they were sharing.
When it comes down to it, I just want to figure out a way where we can cooperate and grow together as a family. I want to encourage and be a partner. I want to value his opinion. I want to value his feelings and acknowledge his fears as legitimate no matter how silly they may seem to me. I want him to truly respect me as a person, not simply because I am an adult. Otherwise, the idea of respect is a facade and will not necessarily become internalized. I want him to trust me as an adult because I have shown to be trustworthy. I don't really want blind compliance and obedience (although everyone in awhile it would be nice!). I want him to understand how the world really works. There are good reasons for the decisions I make, not just arbitrary rules because some expert thought it was what should be done.
Life is too short to not enjoy the small moments...throwing rocks into puddles.
There are some practices of gentle parenting that I have used for awhile, but I fall short in several points. I am a work in progress. In future blogs, I will share with you my successful transitions into a gentle parenting approach, and some of the setbacks I am bound to have.
What would you change about your parenting approaches? What have been your eye-opening experiences that have led to changes you have made?
Saturday, February 8, 2014
I am having a green chili craving...
Here is the recipe I use. This time, I will be using freshly made chicken stock. Usually, I just use the store bought kind if there is not any homemade in the freezer.
Green Chili Stew
1-2 lbs of cooked
ground beef, chicken, turkey, or shredded/diced chicken
1 large can of
tomatoes drained
16 oz of green chili of choice
2-3 cans chicken
broth, can also add water, depending on taste preference
2-3 large potatoes
1 large onion
chopped
Garlic and salt to
taste (I use a lot of both)
Put all
ingredients in a pot and bring to a boil.
Let simmer long enough for potatoes to soften. Serve with warm flour tortillas, corn bread or
saltines.
Yum! But my favorite way is still with ground beef.
Maybe all the nutrients will get me over this cold I developed yesterday...that has had me awake since 3am this morning.
What is your favorite cold or sick day recipe?
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Pigeonholing and cookie cutter kids
While growing up, I would say I had a pretty normal, average life. We had a neighborhood with roads that were sort of paved. We could ride our bikes, play in our grassy yard, and go wading in the river close by. My sister and I got involved in gymnastics, and I eventually competed, but I never took it too seriously. I was a good student and had a few friends. I would have fallen right in the middle of the bell curve of normal. When I observe my children, I am pretty sure my daughter will be in the same place as me on that bell curve.
My son is a different story. He is creative and imaginative--he will turn anything into a character, even a nail and a screw in a workshop when he is supposed to be building something for Cub Scouts. He is outspoken. He is beyond stubborn most of the time. He HAS to finish what he is doing. He is not athletic although he can play at the park for hours with the right people. He often gets lost in his own world and only focuses on what he wants to tell you, not what you are trying to tell him. He can be overly sensitive to physical things, has little tolerance for pain and can shut down with too much noise--unless it is coming from him. Some people would say he is immature for his age, both mentally and emotionally. (And I am not talking academically--in this department, he is mostly ahead of the curve.) People start questioning if there is something wrong with him. Maybe he needs to see a professional. Maybe he needs to be on medication. Maybe he needs to be in school and in a special class. Maybe he is being coddled. Maybe he doesn't have enough rules or needs to do more work.
Maybe people need to stop thinking kids fit into a nice little cookie cutter mold. There is a wide range of normal. How dare we pigeonhole our kids and not allow them to be who they are? We need to stop pushing them into a corner and instead give them space to spread their wings and discover who they were meant to be. Maybe the life they are meant to live is nothing like we as adults think it should be.
Classrooms are designed to meet the needs of the majority, not the needs of every student. My son will find much more success outside of the classroom than he ever will in it. He would either be the talker or the daydreamer. He would be the one who would miss recess but probably need it more than the rest of his class. He would refuse to do homework...and classwork unless he was interested in it. Oh the battles I used to have over writing 10 simple words or writing the answers to 5 basic math questions! Now I get asked math questions, and he also answers them verbally all the time, and he asks how to spell words almost daily--which means he is writing or typing without me forcing him to...
I have discovered with my son that in order to get results, there has to be a relationship established. And even then, you still have your hands full. I think I'm his mother for a reason. I'm at least as stubborn as he is. But sometimes, I don't have the energy. I want to just say "whatever." And I often worry about leaving him with others because they won't know how to handle his behaviors without destroying any chance he will want to come back. I have seen him come unglued with other adults, and I have been asked to intervene. These were the kind and compassionate people. I did meet a second grade school teacher once who led his Mission Friends class at church. She restored my hope. She knew how to love him even when he was being impossible. When people take him where he is at rather than where they think he should be, he eventually comes around and goes along for the ride...often wanting to take the lead.
The funny thing is my son is pretty much what I prayed for when I became pregnant. He is not a doormat. He is outspoken and outgoing. He is not tough guy. He loves family. He loves his friends. He loves his little sister who gets into all his stuff. Kids with his character traits, when raised in a way that suits their personality, become great leaders and go on to do great things. They know how to get what they want, and they don't give up easy. We as parents just have to learn how to approach parenting differently than all the books and blogs say and be patient with their development. They will get there, but as with everything else, it goes much smoother on their timetable than it does on what we think it should be.
So if I know my child will flourish with the right approach and environment, why should we assume other kids can't do the same? Why do we have to box them in instead of playing to their strengths and then helping them build their weaknesses over time? When are we going to accept that kids that are "different" do not necessarily have anything "wrong" with them? Why would we want to take the easy way out and let them receive a label they do not need or deserve?
What makes your child different from all the other kids? What makes them unique? What have you done as a parent to play on that strength and then slowly work on the weaknesses?
My son is a different story. He is creative and imaginative--he will turn anything into a character, even a nail and a screw in a workshop when he is supposed to be building something for Cub Scouts. He is outspoken. He is beyond stubborn most of the time. He HAS to finish what he is doing. He is not athletic although he can play at the park for hours with the right people. He often gets lost in his own world and only focuses on what he wants to tell you, not what you are trying to tell him. He can be overly sensitive to physical things, has little tolerance for pain and can shut down with too much noise--unless it is coming from him. Some people would say he is immature for his age, both mentally and emotionally. (And I am not talking academically--in this department, he is mostly ahead of the curve.) People start questioning if there is something wrong with him. Maybe he needs to see a professional. Maybe he needs to be on medication. Maybe he needs to be in school and in a special class. Maybe he is being coddled. Maybe he doesn't have enough rules or needs to do more work.
Maybe people need to stop thinking kids fit into a nice little cookie cutter mold. There is a wide range of normal. How dare we pigeonhole our kids and not allow them to be who they are? We need to stop pushing them into a corner and instead give them space to spread their wings and discover who they were meant to be. Maybe the life they are meant to live is nothing like we as adults think it should be.
Classrooms are designed to meet the needs of the majority, not the needs of every student. My son will find much more success outside of the classroom than he ever will in it. He would either be the talker or the daydreamer. He would be the one who would miss recess but probably need it more than the rest of his class. He would refuse to do homework...and classwork unless he was interested in it. Oh the battles I used to have over writing 10 simple words or writing the answers to 5 basic math questions! Now I get asked math questions, and he also answers them verbally all the time, and he asks how to spell words almost daily--which means he is writing or typing without me forcing him to...
I have discovered with my son that in order to get results, there has to be a relationship established. And even then, you still have your hands full. I think I'm his mother for a reason. I'm at least as stubborn as he is. But sometimes, I don't have the energy. I want to just say "whatever." And I often worry about leaving him with others because they won't know how to handle his behaviors without destroying any chance he will want to come back. I have seen him come unglued with other adults, and I have been asked to intervene. These were the kind and compassionate people. I did meet a second grade school teacher once who led his Mission Friends class at church. She restored my hope. She knew how to love him even when he was being impossible. When people take him where he is at rather than where they think he should be, he eventually comes around and goes along for the ride...often wanting to take the lead.
The funny thing is my son is pretty much what I prayed for when I became pregnant. He is not a doormat. He is outspoken and outgoing. He is not tough guy. He loves family. He loves his friends. He loves his little sister who gets into all his stuff. Kids with his character traits, when raised in a way that suits their personality, become great leaders and go on to do great things. They know how to get what they want, and they don't give up easy. We as parents just have to learn how to approach parenting differently than all the books and blogs say and be patient with their development. They will get there, but as with everything else, it goes much smoother on their timetable than it does on what we think it should be.
T-Rex during a homeschool tour
So if I know my child will flourish with the right approach and environment, why should we assume other kids can't do the same? Why do we have to box them in instead of playing to their strengths and then helping them build their weaknesses over time? When are we going to accept that kids that are "different" do not necessarily have anything "wrong" with them? Why would we want to take the easy way out and let them receive a label they do not need or deserve?
What makes your child different from all the other kids? What makes them unique? What have you done as a parent to play on that strength and then slowly work on the weaknesses?
Sunday, February 2, 2014
How do we teach perseverance and work ethic?
Recently, an article was brought to my attention on how to teach older kids work ethic. The approach used was by a person who considered herself an unschooler. As her kids reached about 11 years old, she began having them sit down and do math or some other subject the child was not very good at or did not like. Her approach is said to develop a work ethic in her kids. On the surface, it makes sense. What better way to learn to work through stuff you don't like than to be required to do so at a pivotal age?
This peaked my interest since I grew up with a strong work ethic. Before really reflecting, I would have given that credit to me having to do chores, complete my homework and take care of responsibilities. My parents had a strong work ethic. My dad was (and still is) always doing something that needed to be done. He grew up on a ranch, was a good student, and had a job on top of everything else. He did what needed to be done. As an adult, I am not quite sure what he does for enjoyment, except maybe watch a football on Sundays when everything else is done. My mom is a bit more relaxed but still takes care of business. She finds more time to do things she wants and enjoys. Even then, it is often serving others. She volunteers in an elementary school, works the food pantry that her church offers to the public, helps with breakfast for church services and assists in other related activities.
Then I pondered what my brother was like growing up. He did chores just like my sister and me. If that had any impact on his work ethic, it did not carry over into school. He was an average student (less than average in some classes). I know his senior he missed enough school to be dis-enrolled twice. He officially dropped out in the spring that year. He had a job in high school and was a typical employee. He did quit because he got mad or fed up about something. Then he went back because he wanted the paycheck. After dropping out he didn't want to work full-time and pay for his truck. So having a job did not build a work ethic. The following summer, he found his work ethic when he decided he didn't like his options. He knew he wanted something better than his current circumstances, which had gotten kinda bad. He got his GED and went to a tech school for a couple of years before joining the Air Force (a dream of his in childhood). He was drawn to hands-on work and was was content enough in the military. As he rose in the ranks and had to do more paperwork, he was a less content, but he was too close to retirement to give up. His work ethic developed with an initial interest which led to a habit which led to him staying in until 20 years of service even though he wanted out.
My step-son found his work ethic in Jiu Jitsu as young adult when he decided he wanted to attend one of the major competitions. He pretty much hated school, and no amount of school work he did was going build his work ethic. Jiu Jitsu had an affect on him that ignited his passion for the sport. He intends on pursuing it as a career in the next few years, knowing all the sacrifices he will have to make and all the hours that will have to go into training in order to do so. That is a pretty strong work ethic. And his job in the military has been purposeful, so he has also developed his work ethic because people's lives are on the line. He is with the special forces, so he sees first hand the difference he is making.
When I think about growing up, I am beginning to believe my strong work ethic at a young age had more to do with genetics/personality than it did with doing required work. I enjoyed school, so I naturally did well at it. As a result, I got rewarded over and over for doing well. It was a positive experience for me. Because of that, it developed into a strong work ethic. With chores, they had to be done, so we just got them done as quick as possible on chore days. I also did not like getting in trouble at all and did not want to make waves, so I did what was expected. As an adult I have a different motivation to complete household chores. I know I function better in a relatively clean and organized space, so I do what needs to be done without too much procrastination in order to have a less chaotic environment. Oh, and I like clean clothes, and not everything we eat holds up well on the cheap paper plates...
Thinking about all these things, did anyone really teach me my work ethic? I don't think so. I do, however, believe people can help others have a stronger work ethic by helping make it a positive and rewarding experience to work. And the positive experience leads to repeating the behavior enough for it to become a habit. And the habit develops into an intrinsic work ethic that lasts beyond the current venture or project. Can a work ethic be developed out of fear? Probably. But why would anyone want to take that approach with their kids when there is a better way?
At the core of it, I believe the most powerful element to drive a person's work ethic is their passion. When people follow their passions, they will often do things to achieve their goals that others could not even imagine doing. Musicians, dancers and actors are known for working crummy jobs in order to pay the bills. They may spend hours every day rehearsing and auditioning...only to be rejected over and over. They often live in rat hole apartments the size of a closet or with a bunch of roommates. It takes something deep from within to continue.
As I think back to the original article. Will forcing my children to do worksheets they don't like and requiring them to do chores develop a work ethic? I would have to say no. Not in and of themselves. Learning the value of the work and understanding the importance and purpose of it in an individual's life will develop an intrinsic work ethic. Learning that there are several steps to get from point A to point B, and not all of them pleasant, will help a person develop a work ethic. The satisfaction of accomplishing a goal or completing a project will develop work ethic, if it is something a person is proud of. Sending a kid out to mow the grass and chop wood on his own is a much less effective way than going out with him and working together. It is where building relationships and bonding will create a positive attitude toward work that will also lead to a stronger work ethic.
I apologize for not having a nicely packaged list for you to follow on how to get kids today to have a strong work ethic. Is anything really that simple, anyway? When you reflect back on your own life, what is it that gave you a strong work ethic? Come on, dig a little deeper...I bet there was more to it than being required to do your homework and wash the dishes....
This peaked my interest since I grew up with a strong work ethic. Before really reflecting, I would have given that credit to me having to do chores, complete my homework and take care of responsibilities. My parents had a strong work ethic. My dad was (and still is) always doing something that needed to be done. He grew up on a ranch, was a good student, and had a job on top of everything else. He did what needed to be done. As an adult, I am not quite sure what he does for enjoyment, except maybe watch a football on Sundays when everything else is done. My mom is a bit more relaxed but still takes care of business. She finds more time to do things she wants and enjoys. Even then, it is often serving others. She volunteers in an elementary school, works the food pantry that her church offers to the public, helps with breakfast for church services and assists in other related activities.
Then I pondered what my brother was like growing up. He did chores just like my sister and me. If that had any impact on his work ethic, it did not carry over into school. He was an average student (less than average in some classes). I know his senior he missed enough school to be dis-enrolled twice. He officially dropped out in the spring that year. He had a job in high school and was a typical employee. He did quit because he got mad or fed up about something. Then he went back because he wanted the paycheck. After dropping out he didn't want to work full-time and pay for his truck. So having a job did not build a work ethic. The following summer, he found his work ethic when he decided he didn't like his options. He knew he wanted something better than his current circumstances, which had gotten kinda bad. He got his GED and went to a tech school for a couple of years before joining the Air Force (a dream of his in childhood). He was drawn to hands-on work and was was content enough in the military. As he rose in the ranks and had to do more paperwork, he was a less content, but he was too close to retirement to give up. His work ethic developed with an initial interest which led to a habit which led to him staying in until 20 years of service even though he wanted out.
My step-son found his work ethic in Jiu Jitsu as young adult when he decided he wanted to attend one of the major competitions. He pretty much hated school, and no amount of school work he did was going build his work ethic. Jiu Jitsu had an affect on him that ignited his passion for the sport. He intends on pursuing it as a career in the next few years, knowing all the sacrifices he will have to make and all the hours that will have to go into training in order to do so. That is a pretty strong work ethic. And his job in the military has been purposeful, so he has also developed his work ethic because people's lives are on the line. He is with the special forces, so he sees first hand the difference he is making.
When I think about growing up, I am beginning to believe my strong work ethic at a young age had more to do with genetics/personality than it did with doing required work. I enjoyed school, so I naturally did well at it. As a result, I got rewarded over and over for doing well. It was a positive experience for me. Because of that, it developed into a strong work ethic. With chores, they had to be done, so we just got them done as quick as possible on chore days. I also did not like getting in trouble at all and did not want to make waves, so I did what was expected. As an adult I have a different motivation to complete household chores. I know I function better in a relatively clean and organized space, so I do what needs to be done without too much procrastination in order to have a less chaotic environment. Oh, and I like clean clothes, and not everything we eat holds up well on the cheap paper plates...
Thinking about all these things, did anyone really teach me my work ethic? I don't think so. I do, however, believe people can help others have a stronger work ethic by helping make it a positive and rewarding experience to work. And the positive experience leads to repeating the behavior enough for it to become a habit. And the habit develops into an intrinsic work ethic that lasts beyond the current venture or project. Can a work ethic be developed out of fear? Probably. But why would anyone want to take that approach with their kids when there is a better way?
At the core of it, I believe the most powerful element to drive a person's work ethic is their passion. When people follow their passions, they will often do things to achieve their goals that others could not even imagine doing. Musicians, dancers and actors are known for working crummy jobs in order to pay the bills. They may spend hours every day rehearsing and auditioning...only to be rejected over and over. They often live in rat hole apartments the size of a closet or with a bunch of roommates. It takes something deep from within to continue.
As I think back to the original article. Will forcing my children to do worksheets they don't like and requiring them to do chores develop a work ethic? I would have to say no. Not in and of themselves. Learning the value of the work and understanding the importance and purpose of it in an individual's life will develop an intrinsic work ethic. Learning that there are several steps to get from point A to point B, and not all of them pleasant, will help a person develop a work ethic. The satisfaction of accomplishing a goal or completing a project will develop work ethic, if it is something a person is proud of. Sending a kid out to mow the grass and chop wood on his own is a much less effective way than going out with him and working together. It is where building relationships and bonding will create a positive attitude toward work that will also lead to a stronger work ethic.
I apologize for not having a nicely packaged list for you to follow on how to get kids today to have a strong work ethic. Is anything really that simple, anyway? When you reflect back on your own life, what is it that gave you a strong work ethic? Come on, dig a little deeper...I bet there was more to it than being required to do your homework and wash the dishes....
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