It's tough to parent gently...but I try to anyway.

I have to credit my husband with a very important lesson he has taught me about parenting.  The relationship you have is what is most important.  Punishment is not always the answer.  As a parent, I have read a lot of articles and books about parenting over the years.  I would become so conflicted about all the advice out there.  Should I spank? Should I use time-outs?  Should I take away privileges?  Is grounding necessary?  How can I parent without punishment?  How should I punish my kids?  How can I correct behavior problems?  How can I reward and encourage good behavior?  What kind of limits should I set?

Over the last year, while researching unschooling, I have become familiar with the idea of gentle parenting.  Several things I read resonated with what I also read in Raising Your Spirited Child.  Many unschoolers and other parents follow gentle parenting principles.  And it sounds absolutely like the type of parent I want to be.  It can take a lot of patience, which I don't usually have.  It takes not getting upset when things go wrong, which I am not good at.  It certainly isn't easy, and it certainly isn't permissive parenting.

Gentle parenting is about seeking solutions and common ground.  It is about developing mutual respect.  It is about recognizing the needs of your kids before they can even voice them.  It is about treating kids like you would an adult, sort of.  Now I know this part is what often gets people riled up.  Whether it is because parents have been there and done that, or they have earned the right to boss their kids around, or they believe kids have their place and should respect their elders, putting kids on equal ground is hard to swallow. Parents may think this means kids have as much power as adults, which will lead to being spoiled or non-submissive or disrespectful.  It is easy to see why people would believe this when we have been raised a certain way.

So here is the truth about gentle parenting.  I have to make time to be a parent.  Of course it is easier to obtain immediate compliance by yelling, spanking, grounding, or restricting.  With some children, punishment can be quite effective.  It can curb future misbehaviors.  It was effective with me.  I have also heard, though, that kids that respond well to punishment probably could have responded even better to a less punitive approach because of the desire to please or fear of disappointing.  Punishment does not work well with a strong-willed child.  Sure, I can (sometimes) get immediate results but they last all of an hour.  And I am not sure our relationship is better because of it. 

When everything I read and try just does not seem to work, I have to consider other approaches.  I have to consider that maybe I am the problem, and that my child is still just growing and learning self-control and how to manage strong emotions and sensitivities he has to the world around him.  I have to dig deep and have patience and maintain my composure.  I have to change my shortcomings in order to create a home environment that is more cooperative and peaceful.  I tend to get very short fused when I get stressed or overwhelmed.  I have also been known to lecture to drive home a point.

There is nothing easy about the gentle parenting approach.  It makes me the responsible adult and requires me to take my son (and daughter) where he is at and parent to his needs rather than my desired outcomes.  Gentle parenting is about respecting a child because that child is a person.  It is about guiding children and helping them learn, over time, how to make good decisions and treat others kindly, thoughtfully and with respect.  It is about allowing mistakes and typical childhood immaturity, like accidentally knocking over a drink because of an animated story they were sharing.

When it comes down to it, I just want to figure out a way where we can cooperate and grow together as a family.  I want to encourage and be a partner.  I want to value his opinion.  I want to value his feelings and acknowledge his fears as legitimate no matter how silly they may seem to me.  I want him to truly respect me as a person, not simply because I am an adult.  Otherwise, the idea of respect is a facade and will not necessarily become internalized.  I want him to trust me as an adult because I have shown to be trustworthy.  I don't really want blind compliance and obedience (although everyone in awhile it would be nice!).  I want him to understand how the world really works.  There are good reasons for the decisions I make, not just arbitrary rules because some expert thought it was what should be done.

Life is too short to not enjoy the small moments...throwing rocks into puddles.

I am grateful, no matter how hard it is at times, that my son has the personality he has.  It has pushed me to strive to be a better parent, not just settle for what so many experts believe or throw my hands up in the air and give up.  At seven, he still has a lot of time to learn life's lessons and the ways of the world (at least how to work with others--not sure how I feel about many of the ways of the world).  He does not have to be perfect at his age, he just has to show progress (as slow as it may seem at times) in the right direction.  And as an adult, he can look back in appreciation and be able to raise his own kids in a similar way from the start, rather than 6-7 years into the process. 

There are some practices of gentle parenting that I have used for awhile, but I fall short in several points.  I am a work in progress.  In future blogs, I will share with you my successful transitions into a gentle parenting approach, and some of the setbacks I am bound to have.

What would you change about your parenting approaches?  What have been your eye-opening experiences that have led to changes you have made?