One of the hardest things to do as a parent is letting go. Our children come into the world completely dependent on us. As they grow, so does their ability to do more. As parents, it can be hard to step back and let them do it on their own. It is hard to let them make that mess you know you will have to clean up. It is scary to let them climb on the playground equipment without assistance. It is difficult to let other people take care of them.
I think the hardest thing to let go of is being responsible for their choices and behaviors. We want to see them achieve so much and avoid the mistakes we made. We also worry about what everyone else thinks. So we try to lay out everything. We give them second chances. We lay out our expectations, and then we force them to comply by nagging them or threatening them with punishment. We get angry or upset when they don't just do what we want or need them to do. Then we make choices out of anger or frustration. And when we realize we are not helping our children grow but, instead only creating more stress for ourselves, it is still hard to let go. It takes a conscious choice. It is stepping back and saying "I can't be responsible for his choices."
I am responsible for showing and telling my children what is expected. I am responsible for helping them learn to think through their choices. My son is reaching an age where he will not always be under my supervision. I have to learn to let go and hope the things I have taught him thus far will stick. I have to begin to trust he will know how to handle situations without my interference or guidance. It is SO hard. Being with him all day, I pretty much know everything going on. That in itself is not really true, though. I can't read his mind, so I only know his outward actions, not his internal thoughts or motivations. Those are things I cannot control at all.
When he doesn't handle something the best way, it is hard to wait and talk it out later. It is hard to let him suffer and learn through his mistakes, especially when he repeats the same mistakes over and over. But then I think back. And I remember the things I have consistently taught him, and I see him act accordingly on his own. And it gives me courage to step back and allow my baby to grow up and be who he is. It allows him to think for himself and become stronger on his own. It allows me to appreciate who he is rather than worrying about something not going right. And he can still grow from the experiences because we can talk about feelings, choices, and reactions after some time to reflect and process.
When I think about unschooling, letting go is front-and-center in making it work. I have to let him spread his wings and see where he flies to. That does not mean I can't be there to help pick him up if he falls. And I can also give him tools that will help him fly. I can provide a lot of resources. I can help him when he asks for help. I can encourage him to try new things just to see what it is like. I can just be present and interested when he shares, careful not to devalue what he cares about or is excited about. I have to let him determine his destiny, whether he becomes an engineer or a garbageman. If I stand in his way, I may interfere with him realizing his natural talents and abilities. If I think I know what he should be doing to prepare for his future, I may steer him down a path that just does not suit him. It is so much better to help him along his journey rather than directing him. All it takes is letting go.
Kind of makes me want to start singing the words to a currently very popular song....Of course, I would much rather gradually let go of my kids in a safe environment so they can grow into their future selves at a pace they can handle. And that is why letting go a little more each day is what our kids need from us. While it can be heart-breaking to think about my kids growing up and needing me less and less, I can't wait to see them fly.
So what did your kids do when you let them spread their wings?
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